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EOTS: Chapter 27-Turning the Tide


aglamar
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Here is the next chapter of my novel Eye of the Storm. Things have just taken a bad turn for Darin as he just lost control of his power and endangered his ship. He was forced to abandon his ship and was left by himself on a small boat being chased by lightening. After being struck, he found himself in a spiritual realm and met an ancient Mayan god named Paryaqaqa. He awoke in a bed, on a strange ship, with his sister, Morgana.

On the other hand, Morgana, had just taken a ship from Bloodburne's fleet, and was headed to rescue her sister Jasmine when she finds Darin floating at sea.

This chapter continues where we left off. 

All comments are welcome. Thanks in advance for your feedback!


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claycormany
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Hello AG,

Following my usual procedure, I've attached a copy of your latest chapter with my comments along the right-hand margin. As you'll see, there are some punctuation problems as well as some issues relating to historical accuracy. But it occurs to me, there are fewer of these problems than there were in earlier chapters.

Stay the course!

Clay


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aglamar
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@claycormany

Thanks Clay! Good catches on the grammar and historical accuracy. I certainly appreciate additional eyes for those types of edits.

 

AG


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joshuaisaac
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Hi! Another exciting chapter on the sea. Darin reunites with his sister and gets a second chance with his crew. The emotional beats with his sister being loving but tough on him and his crew still believing in him landed with me. 

I was feeling I wanted something more from the moment when Darin reveals that Charmaine is gone. More emotion? Grief? It kind of feels like they moved on quickly from that. 

After the crew kept Darin as their captain it felt like a high morale moment and I expected some of the sailors to start bursting out in song. Do you sailors ever sing?


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aglamar
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@joshuaisaac

Thanks so much Josh! So glad to hear the beats that landed with you. It helps a great deal.

Also, congratulations on your published piece in LitMag! Its exciting to see a member from our group land a published story. I'm hoping to land one soon as well!

AG


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tomthomin
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This chapter is a good transition. We now have Darin, Morgana, and Jasmine all heading on intersecting trajectories.

Does Morgana have enough crew to run both ships? An interesting twist might be if she had tried to recruit some of the Orabelle’s crew to bolster her ranks.

Thought you might have increased tension if someone had challenged Darin for the captaincy and then lose a narrow vote. That would bring home the need for Darin to win over his crew.

Might be fun in a future chapter to have Darin use his amulet to pass Morgana just to show her how she might have benefited by waiting on him.


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Charles O'Donnell
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AG, thanks for the chapter.

Not a lot of action in this chapter, but after the revelations in the previous chapter it’s probably a good spot for a breather.
The biggest issue I have with this chapter is Morgana. She’s just been reunited with Darin, learned that Charmagne is dead, gains another ship in her armada, and she tells her long-lost brother to fuck off? Then sails off without the Orabelle? Is this some kind of reverse psychology? I’m not having a lot of luck making sense of it.

More comments in the attachment.

Keep writing!

Charles

 

 


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Charles O'Donnell
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If you've been following the Wellerman craze on tiktok, you might want to view this music theorist's take on the Wellerman and sea shanties in general:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1ovAB4vKzw

I didn't know that sea shanties were actually call-and-response songs to coordinate labor on a sailing ship for such tasks as raising sails, turning a capstan, or the like. I wonder if you might find some opportunities in your novel to have a crew singing a shanty as they hove the mizzen and keelhaul the poopdeck to the fo'c'sle.


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Charles O'Donnell
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See attached.


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aglamar
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@charlesodonnell

Thanks so much for sharing this, Charles! I've been working on adding a few "yarns", sailor storytelling, to the book; and I was researching if it would be historically accurate to bring in some "shanties" as well. This video has some really good information. 

AG


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aglamar
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@tomthomin

Thanks, Tom! It'll be interesting to hear your reaction to how things go from here...

AG


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aglamar
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@charlesodonnell

Thanks so much for reading and critiquing, Charles! Morgana's character is consistent, from the prologue to now. "Fuck you" was an emotional reaction that she quickly realizes is wrong, but she's not the type to apologize. She has her own way of doing things, and that will help shape the story.

AG


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Beth Malchus Stafa
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I hope all is well AG.  I am coming around.  My father had surgery and it really put a pause in my life.

I have put some of my comments.  I think there needs to be more - 1) if he had a psychic event - seeing his sister might make him dream.  What makes him believe this is real?  2) I agree there needs to be more between brother and sister.  Before dropping he saw his sister's death.  3)  If she high tails it out....why?  Why does she even board his ship.  4) I also think you could play up his disbelief that she could capt. a ship.  

 


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aglamar
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@beth-malchus-stafa

Thank you, Beth! It's certainly good to have you back. I certainly miss your close attention to the detail of showing feelings and connecting emotions to the reader. I hope your father is doing better. I've had quite the medical issues in our household as well. My wife has been to the hospital twice in the last month-but things are getting better. So I know how medical things can slow everything down.

Again, thank you so much for your feedback!

AG


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