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EOTS Chapter Twenty: The Brotherhood


aglamar
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Here is the next chapter of my pirate saga, Eye of the Storm. When we last left Morgana, she had just unwittingly found Captain Levi in a tavern in Roatan, whom she and her crew had been searching for believing he had betrayed them in a raid of the New Spain town of Los Espanada. She had also heard that a pirate captain by the name of Bloodburne was recruiting ships to attack Los Espanada to get to a silver mine just behind the troublesome city. She is unaware that Bloodburne murdered her older sister Charmagne, attempted to murder her little brother Darin, and is searching for a Spanish captain(Antonio) who happens to be with her little sister, Jasmine, who left a scar on Bloodburne's face that he won't ever forget.(sorry for the run-on) We just left Darin in the last chapter, and Jasmine is still with Antonio in the city of Trinidad, Cuba (changed from St. Augustine).

Thanks in advance for your feedback and suggestions! Enjoy...


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claycormany
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Hello AG,

The comments on the attached draft of your chapter mostly relate to word usage and punctuation. You have a lot of loose ends to tie up in the remaining chapters. I look forward to seeing how you meet this challenge.

 

Best,

Clay


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aglamar
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Thanks, Clay! I appreciate the grammar help. These later chapters have been workshopped the least. Tying up the loose ends is the fun part 🙂

AG


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corsi.mike5513
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Hello Anthony,

Attached please find your newest chapter along with my comments.  I really love the way the story is shaping up!  The web of possible alliances and betrayals leaves much to the imagination, and I'm wondering who is really going to be loyal or not!  Another great chapter, thanks!


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aglamar
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@corsi-mike5513

Thanks so much, Mike! I certainly appreciate your feedback. There definitely is a lot going on in the story. The drama ahead should be a fun read. Thanks again!

AG


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tomthomin
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Quite a bit happened in this chapter. Morgana’s ambush failed to catch Levi because he isn’t human (nice reveal by the way). Bloodbourne meets Morgana and is already suspicious. Some good suspense is building.

The scene where Morgana is readying the trap was confusing. It needed more detailed description of the setting and where people were because the spacing seemed off.

You’ve done a good job with Bloodbourne’s characterization but Morgana continues to be basically a two-dimensional comic book character.

Stories that include magic and supernatural creatures usually focus on them much more. Except for a few important scenes, the amulet and mer-people don’t feature prominently. Readers who are attracted to the supernatural will want more.

It was a solid chapter that filled in a few blanks for me. Could use some tightening but a fun read.

Please see attached file for more comments.


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aglamar
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@tomthomin

Thanks so much, Tom! You've pointed out some areas that I definitely will take another look at. I certainly appreciate your feedback. Thanks again.

AG


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joshuaisaac
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Love all the suspense here. With the family angle and all the various factions and captains it’s starting to feel like a sea-saga-space-opera type of story. Kind of like Star Wars with pirates? That’s you elevator pitch now! I just want .0001% of the royalties. (Jk)

One minor note on the top of the second page where Morgana’s telling her crew that they can’t miss Captain Levi because he’s a smooth bastard; not sure what that means and how that makes him easy to find. If he’s smooth wouldn’t that mean he’s slick, hard to spot? Or is it because he’s smooth and everyone else looks rough?

Thanks for sharing your story! Totally hooked on the saga/adventure now.

This post was modified 4 weeks ago by joshuaisaac

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aglamar
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@joshuaisaac

Thanks Josh! As a Star Wars fan, I don't think I've reached that level of epic quite yet, but I appreciate the comparison. I'll add more to the Captain Levi reference you mentioned. Thanks again for the feedback!

AG


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Charles O'Donnell
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AG, thanks for sharing.

Good chapter. There are some well-written scenes with a lot of tension.
That said, overall I find the flow to be uneven. There are some usage and word choices I’ve marked in the attachment that might help to address that.

Keep writing!

Charles


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aglamar
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@charlesodonnell

Thanks so much, Charles! I appreciate the feedback and the edits. I've definitely got a number of areas to clean up. Thanks again!

AG


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